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Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Know your Man's Character from the Brand he Wears

Making sweeping generalizations about a man by the brand he wears is an admittedly inaccurate science. But it’s also unavoidable (not to mention fun). Stereotypes are often wrong, but it’s dangerous not to acknowledge their existence. To expose them, we indulged our most shallow knee-jerk reactions to big-name brands. Your label is talking about you to the rest of us, and here’s what it's saying!!

Abercrombie & Fitch

Hmmm... Well, you’re kind of a tool. Also, you’re in a fraternity. You think wearing your ball cap brim-forward constitutes formal wear. You have two varsity letters: one in water polo and one in half-naked-dude mud wrestling. There’s a funny story you like to tell involving Jagermeister and a security guard. Books don’t interest you much, but Tucker Max is the man. You’re not big on shirts. You’re planning big things with your major in interdisciplinary studies. By the way, you looked great in those USC rooftop sex photos.


You're the youngest child, and not as good at sports as your siblings. You didn’t get much attention at home. So now you dress rather like a dandy angling for an internship with the Joker. And the only thing more obnoxious than the price of your wardrobe is the reach of your vanity. Your occupation: high-society gala attendee. One day the inheritance may run out, but that day is not today. People often tell you you’d make a beautiful woman. You drink champagne on all occasions. You have never gone fishing. You are the reason the rest of us don’t understand the French. 


You may be a famous athlete, a weekend warrior or a middle manager with a serious golf obsession. Sure, you could pay less for better functionality, but then you couldn’t brand yourself with little swooshes. You vote Republican, but you tell people you’re independent. There’s one rule in your house: No talking during the NCAA basketball tournament. You take your gum chewing very seriously. In your refrigerator, you’ve got a sixer of Michelob ULTRA. Once, you got thrown out of your kid’s soccer game for heckling the referee. Look, a bad call is a bad call, whether the players are pros or preschoolers. And that’s precisely the kind of thing your ex-wife just didn’t understand.

Kenneth Cole

You live in the city -- or, rather, you wish you did, which is why you shop at Kenneth Cole. You’ve got a subscription to Details magazine and own at least one of the following: a punch card to Jamba Juice, a face moisturizer, a shirt with epaulettes. You didn’t plan to end up in advertising, but the art career wasn’t working out, and Pilates classes don’t pay for themselves. You know more about style than your friends, but less than you think you do. "Metrosexual": The term is overused, but you’re reason it exists. Nobody knows that those glasses aren’t really prescription.

Ed Hardy

Well, somebody has to be the biggest douche in the room. Congrats. Adorning yourself in gaudy, hideous crap is no big thing if you don’t pay rent. Works out OK for you, since you live at home. The rest of your payday (from your gig repping Monster energy drinks) goes to the gym membership, bronzer, chest waxes, and cover charges at the club. You’ve almost been cast on three different reality shows. With this schedule, it’s hard to get more than 10 hours of sleep at a time. You know the haters are just jealous. And if you had the slightest flickering of self-awareness, you would probably be immolated with shame.


If you had a pair of Timberland work boots for every day of actual labor you’ve done in your life, you’d have zero pairs of Timberland work boots. But tough is a mindset. So, apparently, is “gansta.” Yeah, you’re keeping it real. East Coast, dawg. And on the subway, in your puffy jacket, knees spread wide, you can claim a bench normally shared by three. Years from now, deaf as a board, you’ll regret all those hours spent blasting your ear-buds at concert levels. You own people on Madden, on X-Box Live (especially after you smoke a little). Your default emotional state: unimpressed.   

You are not one to be tossed around by the fickle winds of fashion, which is why you’ve been wearing the same brand of jeans since 1989. You are practical. You appreciate things that last. You know the value of a dollar. In other words, you’re cheap. Probably from the Midwest. You might own a truck. Also, a Sam’s Club membership card. And a Johnny Cash album. Joke is on everyone else, though, because Levi’s are cool again (not that you were paying attention). From fashion failure to trendsetter in one season. Your commitment to habit proves one thing: Eventually, everything old will be new again. 

So... Any ladies dumping their men around here?? Lol!!

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